I have to admit, I got caught up. Caught up in an illusion that I thought was real. He was perfect…perfect to me, so I thought. I met him online…on a site that I’ll leave nameless, that wasn’t specifically for dating. I talked to him briefly through instant messaging and emails. I’m a full-time grad student, I didn’t have time to just sit and chat. He held on and waited for me thinking that I was worth the wait. Classes were almost over when I saw a movie that gave me the feeling that love can pass me by if I continue to put it on hold. This guy was patient and I knew that I didn’t want to lose a possibly good thing. I decided to give in and take a break to finally respond wholeheartedly to his messages.
We talked about a month before actually meeting in a public place. He was so handsome. His height was perfect, he smelled nice and his presence was comfortable. He said ALL the right things. I felt like I knew this man…I needed to know more about him…to know more about becoming his woman. His approach was very direct. He knew what he wanted in a woman and he knew and expressed repeatedly that I was her. I thought that maybe he was right, until…I got to really know him. This man was far from perfect for me. We argued with every conversation and then my conscious interrupted what I thought was real with a reminder that this was not the man for me. I knew I deserved better…but I chose to hang on. FOR WHAT?
I am not the type to deal with ordinary bullshit. I would let things go and not look back for anything, but this man had a hold on me and again I ask, FOR WHAT? I started to think I was desperate to be in love…that I wanted love so badly that I looked at this man as the man I was suppose to love and was supposeto love me back. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I allow him to talk to me any kind of way? Why did I put up with it? Why after every argument, he would walk away and then call me two days later and I would take him back (five times)? Was I really desperate? Was my self-esteem so low that I accepted the first thing coming? Since I hadn’t been in a relationship in a few years, I have to think that maybe the answer is yes to all my questions. I finally had an awakening conversation with a friend that I cried the truth and that I was so lonely. That may not be enough to really explain my why questions, but that’s the answer that I accepted. I used my answer as my answer to a therapy session. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I needed someone there and I accepted what I was given. Once the realization hit me, being all educated and all 
, I decided enough was enough. It’s only so much a person can take and I finally let it go.
